remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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