But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
