so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
