She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
