We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
