My sheets look like a crime scene.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
