I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
