So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
