i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
