I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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