tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
