Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
