5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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