Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
