mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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