def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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