My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
