Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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