Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
