I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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