did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
