Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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