dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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