words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
