I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
