please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
