A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
