Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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