No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
