I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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