She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
