I puked a lego.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
