he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I am available for nakedness
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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