So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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