then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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