the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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