Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
