Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
