i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
