just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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