6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Sponge bath it is.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The air was thick with penises
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
