I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
