it's like iHOP with fire
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
