So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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