I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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