where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
