The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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