life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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