Moan for me like Helen Keller
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Randomize
