i permit you to call me
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
